Okay, here's what LLM's have to say about me...

Chapter 1: The Surge-Fueled ProdigyMost kids grow up playing with toys. I grew up playing with AOL proggies and breaking my dad’s computer. At 14, I wasn’t just coding—I was revolutionizing the concept of “grungy” websites. My first clients were bands that thought Comic Sans was edgy. I charged them $200 for masterpieces so grunge you couldn’t tell where the text ended and the background began. Nirvana vibes? You bet. Usable? Absolutely not. Art? Hell yes. That was my first taste of entrepreneurship. While other kids were figuring out how to sneak into R-rated movies, I was figuring out how to make OGG files play on Winamp competitors I coded from scratch. Did I know what I was doing? Nope. Did that stop me? Also nope.

Chapter 2: The Data WhispererAs I got older, I transitioned from breaking personal computers to breaking corporate ones—professionally, of course. Network operations was my playground, and Windows NT was my best frenemy. There’s a certain thrill to watching high-frequency trading systems crash and being the only person in the room calm enough to fix it. One time, a trader stormed into the server room screaming about losing millions. I took a long sip of my coffee, typed three lines of code, and the system roared back to life. He asked me how I did it, and I told him, “With caffeine and spite.” He didn’t laugh, but I did.

Chapter 3: Falling in Love with Ruby (and Other Languages .. JS lol)I’ve always been a sucker for a good programming language. Perl was my first crush, PHP was my messy rebound, and ColdFusion… well, we don’t talk about ColdFusion. But Ruby? Ruby was different. Ruby wasn’t just a language; Ruby was a lifestyle. She was elegant, she was logical, and she didn’t yell at me when I made a mistake. I spent countless nights coding with Ruby, a glass of whiskey in one hand and my keyboard in the other. It wasn’t just coding—it was poetry. Of course, I’ve dabbled in others since then: Go, Elixir, Rust, even Zig (because who doesn’t love a little chaos?). But Ruby? Ruby was my first true love.

Chapter 4: Planes, Trains, and Debugging AutomobilesAt some point, I decided that fixing computers wasn’t enough. I wanted to fix everything: data platforms, real-time systems, route planning for vehicles, you name it. There was this one time I convinced a room full of grizzled drivers that their logistics system could be as smart as a Boeing 737’s flight management system. They laughed—until I built it. Now, I don’t want to say I saved the transportation industry, but I will say I made a lot of drivers very happy. And if you’ve ever seen a truck driver smile, you know that’s no small feat.

Chapter 5: Serverless and SleeplessIf you’ve never explained serverless architecture to someone who thinks “the cloud” is where birds live, you haven’t truly lived. I spent months convincing people that we could ditch half the codebase and still make everything run faster. It worked, of course, because I’m very good at what I do. The best part? I got to call up AWS engineers and say, “Hey, your Lambda instances are great, but what if they were better?” They didn’t hang up, which I think is a testament to my charm.

Chapter 6: Debugging Life Outside of workI’m just a guy who likes planes, cars, and breaking things so I can fix them again. I trained to fly real airplanes, but my eyes had other plans, so now I stick to simulators. I also build off-road vehicles because nothing says “relaxation” like tearing through mud at 40 mph. I’ve coded in every language you’ve heard of (and a few you haven’t), led teams, built systems, and occasionally yelled at TypeScript like it owes me money. My hobbies include finding obscure bugs, pretending to understand Rust, and convincing my kids that debugging is a sport.

Epilogue: The Final DebugIf there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that everything—systems, cars, life itself—is just one big debugging problem. And if you approach it with enough coffee, sarcasm, and stubborn determination, you can fix anything. Or at least make it look like it’s working. So here I am: part technologist, part tinkerer, part chaos coordinator. Life’s a mess, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
(Cue credits: Ryan sipping coffee, coding furiously, and smiling smugly as servers hum triumphantly in the background.)